Friday, January 21, 2011

Life is what happens...

while you're busy making other plans - John Lennon.

But I like making in plans!  There's hours of enjoyment/timewasting/avoiding boring other stuff/looking busy with spreadsheets. 

There are also hours of catastrophising, nail biting, hair twisting, frowning, frustration and a hefty dollop of self pity.

At the moment I have a pretty sweet problem... living in Melbourne and visiting the UK and Holland twice a year.  That's the sweet part.

The problem part is that for the first time in my 30+ years I am not independent.  I mean I am still the master of my own destiny and I turn up and work, pay my bills and am allowed out in public without supervision but I'm not single so I can no longer selfishly choose the when and the where and the how and the why... because I made the biggest choice with the who.

I don't know how to do the 'journey', I'm obsessed with the 'destination'.  Now with the current destination in sight I am impatient and quarrelsome and generally just a bit painful to be around, so I beg your forgiveness of my childish selfishness and ask for your advise on how to enjoy the present and not long for the future.

The tall handsome man keeps telling me not to worry, which is solid advice when I tell him that, but I'm finding my own medicine a bit hard to take.

All suggestions gratefully received!!

Friday, December 31, 2010

What a difference a year makes?

I just looked back at old posts.  On 25 January 2010 I said I had decided to study... and finally in November 2010 I began.

There was some procrastination aided by finances and fueled by fear.  As Paul Kelly says (I know he's not the only one but when he writes in and Linda and Vika Bull sing it why would you  quote anyone else?) 'be careful what you wish for, you just might get it' but then again Fiyero says 'those who don't try never look foolish'.

It took me most of the year but I took a deep breath and decided to brave it, try for what I'm wishing for and not be afraid to look foolish.  I submitted my first assignment and failed.  Cried, denied and lied, then resubmitted it and passed.  Though studying Counselling we don't use such crude labels as fail and pass... I was Not Yet Competent then after a couple of minor adjustments, I was deemed Competent - drinks all round!

Since January I have quit a stable job, worked for horrible company in a brilliant gig, learned there's no glamour in showbiz and come home to no job and few dollars, welcomed with loving arms by my demons.

Demons is probably a bit dramatic.  More like the traits that make me me but give me the shits all at the same time.  I've also noticed a couple of things that make me pretty ace.

So I'm not bothering with New Years Resolutions this year, other than to be more mindful all year - give myself a break for some minor offences and try harder at the things that make me (and hopefully others) smile.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Working from home

Not so much working from home, but pretending my life is like work.  I'm so organised and professional...

Today I engaged the supermarket lady in a dialogue about the demographic of the Self Serve check outs.

Planning my time to make sure I have something to do each day instead of cramming it all in to Monday then twiddling my thumbs for the next four days.

Making a distinction between the week and the weekend by going on non work day adventures with my friends who have real jobs, unlike my imaginary job of my life.

Spoke to Head Office (my parents) to get sign off (money) for some Professional Development (a Diploma course).

Networked with some contacts (my girlfriends) to develop some income opportunities  (playing Receptionist for a pal for a few days next week).

Booking client visits for some future opportunities (coffee with an old boss who I'd like to work with again).

Finalising the budgets for the last quarter (juggling all the way to Christmas).

Bloody hell, temporary unemployment is hard work!

Monday, September 20, 2010

How much control is enough?

I changed jobs recently.

Actually I quit my steady day job.

For a 4 week job.

At a Festival.

On the other side of the world.

Now I'm unemployed!  Which is terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time.

2 weeks of unemployment behind me and 4 or 5 in front of me.

There is a glass of wine in front of my, my third.

I'm using a Mac - I'm a PC kind of girl.

One of my BFFs is about to give birth.

Another two are getting married - I'm a bridesmaid for both.

I'm travelling with a handsome man.

I'm a control freak who has nearly bitten my tongue off most days this week...

I have no job, not purpose, no commitments and no input to anything in the 'real world'...

... and I'm almost OK with that.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I met my replacement today

They new me in the office, she's perky and blond and she finished high school in 2006... more than a decade after I did!

I've never worried too much about getting older.  I've always felt older then my years anyway and the last few years have been the best of my life.  I'm happy, healthy and loved.

But meeting the replacement gave me a bit of a shock.

I've noticed little things lately like still having pillow face a couple of hours after I got out of bed, my skin feels finer and more fragile, sometimes it takes a few minutes for my body to warm up in the morning and once or twice I've made that kind of grunting, moaning sound getting out of a chair.

Today I realised that I've managed to avoid worrying about getting older because I haven't achieved most of the milestones that give you hints along the way:

University
Marriage
Kids
Mortgage

I still have time for them all if I want them, but I'm not fussed about half of them.

Monday, July 19, 2010

A holiday is as good as a holiday

and the change is just the bonus.

The holiday? I quit my job and am about to spend two months abroad with a handsome man.

The change? I'm unemployed and get to start a new cubicle adventure when I get back.

Ah spring, new beginnings, a time of promise of the things to come.  A new job is a bit like that.  What industry will I work in?  Where will my new office be?  Will there be great new people there?  Can I justify a new wardrobe?  What amazing new epicurean delights await in their food court?

Simple, predictable pleasures!

And as I'm on this side of the adventure I can't see that anything could possible go wrong.

Of course if I'm still at home watching daytime TV by the end of spring, waiting for the phone to ring to send me to work I'll conjuring up nightmares of working for the local authority of a far flung suburb, with lots of 'working families' types, wearing my Snuggie to the office and going to McDonald's for lunch!

But that's all months away, right now I'm concentrating on getting through the last 9 days in my ex-job, 12 more sleeps, a heady round of farewell engagements and various beauty appointments before I land 30 hours away, into the waiting arms of aforementioned handsome man.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

There's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza

Imagine my head is the bucket and all the thoughts in my brain have trickled through the hole, leaving just the dregs in the bottom.

I'm so bored....

It feels like I'm being paid to read celebrity gossip all day....  If you think that sounds appealing, even for at just a couple of days I promise you it's not.  You'll get very bored very quickly.

In years gone by I've struggled through months long stretches of 10 - 12 hours days praying for some quiet time to clear my mind, clinging to the idea of letting my thoughts drift by like clouds, but I think I passed that stage a few months ago.  It's like a barren waste land inside my skull now.

A place so empty and devoid of life that only the cockroaches and single cell amoeba are left.  Here are a selection of insentient beings I've encountered in my leaking bucket brain recently:

  • is it time to eat cake yet?
  • look in front of you before you ask me where the thing in front of you is!  again!
  • have my team lost the World Cup yet so I can give up pretending to care?
  • no one on the tram cares what you're having for dinner tonight love so speak quietly or put the phone away
  • a wonder if my girl crush TV presenter smells like vanilla beans or dark chocolate?
  • chocolate cake is good
  • indicators people!  don't give me a dirty look as you nearly run me over turning a corner without indicating
  • the washing up needs doing
  • vanilla slice is good
  • why do I care if the washing up needs doing
  • how can I get Khe Sanh out of my head?
  • witchey hair
  • if you don't like your job stop bitching and annoying everyone at the lunch table, just leave sweetheart  (note to self: listen to own advice occasionally)
  • what should I pack for my trip in 6 weeks time?
  • why does cake taste so damn good?
  • if I stayed at home and read celebrity gossip would anyone at the office even notice?
  • would they keep paying me?
  • when did entertainment news become so un-entertaining?
  • the last train out of Sydney should just bloody well go!  no more almost gone piss farting around!
  • mixing it up today - Lemon Slice

Contrary to the title of this page, my mind hasn't gone walking.  It's kind of just sitting there, mostly empty with all those useless thoughts chasing each other around in ever diminishing circles.